If you haven’t been living under a rock, you’ve seen Prince Harry in the news over the last few weeks, promoting his new book, Spare. In all the media hoopla and (mostly negative) press about their decisions to divulge so much personal information to the public, I want to make sure you don’t miss one thing…
We can learn a lot from them.
I’m not a Princess, and I’m not in-line to anything, but I am an AMFT. I practice couples therapy and I can tell you that their first fight is a case study in how we should respond to one another in a healthy marriage.
In case you haven’t read the book, Prince Harry outlines that before they were married, he and Megan had their first fight. He doesn’t disclose the exact content of the fight, but when reflecting on the conflict, Harry calls his words “cruel” and inflammatory.
What does Megan do next? I’m glad you ask, because it’s a lesson for us all.
- She defines a boundary… the first thing she tells him is that she won’t be spoken to like that. She makes it clear that talking to her this way is unacceptable. She goes onto outline that she doesn’t want to live a life where she’s talked to like that, and she refuses to raise children with someone who speaks in that way. Often times people get boundaries wrong. They think a boundary is you telling someone how you want to be treated. Actually, a boundary is you outlining what you will do if their behavior doesn’t change. Megan isn’t saying that he needs to change. She’s clearly and calmly stating that he will loose her if he doesn’t change.
- She leaves the room to calm down… when the temperature of the room is increasing, sometimes it’s best to get out of the room and give your nervous system a chance to calm down. In a conflict, you’re being threatened, and your body will respond by guarding itself. It’s not your fault; it’s an evolutionary response. If you need to calm down, leaving the room can be a respectful choice, for both you and your partner. In couples therapy, I always recommend a “meet up time” being set before you leave, but creating distance between you and whoever you are in conflict with gives you a chance to calm down and allows your rational, rather than reactive brain to come back online.
- She asks where he learned the behavior… I think I gasped when I read this. Honestly, this is a transformative practice for any couple navigating conflict. You can bring the temperature down in a fight by asking this question because it softens the blame. Instead of fighting your partner, you’re asking when they were exposed to someone acting this way; when were they the victim of this kind of approach? This builds empathy for them because they were once the victim of someone else taking this approach, and it reminds them how it feels to be on the other side of the attack.
- Try again… When Megan recommended therapy, Harry brushed her off because he had tried therapy and it had not worked for him. But Megan knew that his reaction was more deeply seeded than their conflict, and her commission was clear; try again. Find a fit. Cycles repeat themselves. Family systems recreate themselves. It isn’t going to get better if you don’t do anything differently.
Prince Harry and Megan may or may not be role models for you, in their marriage, choices, or vulnerability. But, their first fight was a beautiful example of how you can navigate the inevitable conflict in marriage healthfully and respectfully.
