When you welcome a new baby to the world, it can be an exciting and magical time. Postpartum can also make you feel like you’ve been hit by a bus. Despite the excitement, connection, and hope you and your partner may experience in anticipation of the baby’s arrival, the reality of lack of sleep, a screaming baby, and challenges with feeding, house maintenance, and family life can set in quickly. If the transition is harder than you expected, you are not alone. This mismatch between your postpartum expectations for how you and your partner will navigate postpartum life and the reality can be devastating.
Here are some tips to help you and your partner get on the same page during the newborn season:
- Communicate your needs. The first step in getting your partner to help you postpartum is to be open and honest about what you need. This sounds obvious, but often times, it’s the mental load of feeding logistics, sleep schedules, and unspoken challenges that make the relationship more contentious than necessary. Let them know what you’re struggling with and what kind of help you need. Be specific and clear about your needs and try to avoid making assumptions about what your partner should know or do. Avoid comparing each other’s contributions, and instead focus on how you’re feeling and what you need.
- Show appreciation. Express gratitude and appreciation for the help and support your partner provides. A simple “thank you” can go a long way in showing that you value and appreciate their contributions, and may encourage them to offer more help, and continuing prioritizing the things that you’ve noticed.
- Seek professional help. No matter how awesome your partner is, they are in the trenches with you. You can’t expect them to carry every load you are. It can be so helpful to get support outside of your marriage or partnership. If you are struggling with postpartum depression or other mental health issues, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support for both you and your partner as you navigate the challenges of postpartum life. Postpartum.net is a great place to start; they have a zip code finder, where you can search for a local, licensed therapist.
The transition to parenthood is a beautiful, messy, complicated season. If you and your partner are struggling to enjoy one another in this tumultuous time, you are not alone. I work with parents of newborns as a perinatal AMFT, and I can tell you that beyond communicating your needs, showing appreciation, and seeking professional help, the best thing you can do is remind yourself and each other that this season is temporary, and eventually you’ll get back to the place that makes you feel like yourselves.
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